it can't fail!

okay, so i have had a brilliant idea and i am basically on the brink of becoming a millionaire.

here's where it came from...
shannon and i went out to dinner at a mexican place we used to eat at all the time but then stopped going to. immediately upon finishing the meal, it became clear why we never eat there anymore...it makes shannon ill.

oops.

so i thought, 'sometimes you eat something and wish you hadn't a kinda want to take it back...'
and VOILA!

you guys....vomitoriums!

wait for it.

yeah! I KNOW!

so, here's my thinking, just spit-balling...

ladies are out for a bachelorette party.
they want to eat a giant steak dinner, with baked potatoes and bread and rolls and everything. YUM!
but they also want to go out dancing afterwards and no have to deal with post-meal sluggishness or bloated food bellies.
so, they come to my upchuckery!
they rent a group room.
they check in and trade their clothes for some robes and slippers. (no terry cloth. getting vomit out of terry cloth is a nightmare. i think.)
they waddle into a large tiled room, with showers and stalls and troughs and sinks.
they do their business.
they shower, if they feel so inclined.
they leave the room and head into the powder room, where complimentary water (cucumber, lemon, fruit, bubbly, flat, cold, warm...so many types!) is available. also saltines.
there are sinks where they can use toothbrushes (which we sell, and which come with free toothpaste and mouthwash!), wash their faces, reapply make-up, use some perfume from the perfume bar, and get ready to go out again.
maybe they want to lay down a solid layer in their tummies so they can drink a bunch!
we have a cafe that serves tummy friendly foods!
chamomile tea, papaya enzymes, chicken soup, grilled cheese, salads with mild dressings, ginger ale...
so they eat some, get gussied up and head back out, skinny and smelling better, but having enjoyed a lovely dinner!!
IT CAN'T FAIL!

so, that's one market.
maybe we have a ladies' night package.

obviously the bulimic are an option, but we can't count on them. they're not going to be our bread and butter. (get it?)

another market is drunk people.

either they want to keep drinking, or they're too drunk and want to start sobering up somewhere that isn't a bar bathroom. either way, we're there for them.

we'll have private rooms (NO SEX!!), semi-private rooms, and public rooms.
you check your clothes at the door, and they're returned to you, smelling better.
maybe we have sober up specials, where you can rent some of those capsule sleeping pods that they have in japan for a couple of hours to help sleep it off, and then we'll throw in a free breathalyzer before you leave. overnight parking, for a fee. free shuttle with certain packages? (just riffing.)

obviously we'll open our first branch in las vegas, because where else will there be so many stupid people doing stupid things they wish they could take back, right? from there, we'll see. i'm thinking...the marina? hollywood?

my only problem...a name.

ideas? the upchuckery isn't going to sell itself. we need something less barfy.

i'm so behind!

i have my google reader set up with a jillion RSS feeds.

(i have no idea how to explain what these things are, so please do whatever research you need to in order to get up to speed. it's not really important. let's liken it to...having a few weeks worth of 'the new yorker' sitting around, waiting to be read. or, your tivo is full of stuff that you haven't had time to watch. the point is, there's a lot and it's hard to keep up.)

anyway, if i don't keep up on a daily basis, it's nearly impossible to ever catch up. since one of them is headlines from NPR, there are hundreds of updates right there. then add in the page six gossip stories, which are 12 a day. then i subscribed to buzzfeed, which i am realizing is a total reader-killer. anyway, i am drowning in online content. i assume this must be how "real" bloggers keep up on things, because i can't imagine where anyone would find the time to search the internet for entirely original content. even if you were getting paid for it, which most bloggers aren't you'd get totally overwhelmed, i think. it takes hours to fully explore any really good site. so, it must be RSS.

in any case, i am WAY behind. i haven't check my RSS in days and it is telling me now that i have 1000+ stories. it literally says "1000+" like past 1000 the numbers are too fatiguing for it to even contemplate.

this blog entry will be a bunch of the stuff i like, as i am powering through my RSS feeds, many of which i am just going to delete, because life is short and i have a disk of 'battlestar gallactica' to watch and i have my priorities.

also, i am too lazy and too small time to worry about correctly citing where everything is from, but if you go to the site to pursue the link, obviously you'll see the original material, so i think i'm still doing okay and not violating any kind of blogger code of ethics. (as if i cared.)

* so glad i found this, because i was wondering about some of this stuff and was afraid to ask.

* sweet baby jesus, this is so upsetting, on so many levels. which levels? 1) there is a real person who has to go through his life looking like this. 2) he's so creepy looking that people assume he can't be real. 3) he is a fucking SEX OFFENDER, which is both icky and also kinda understandable because LOOK AT HIM. who is going to have sex with him voluntarily? my parents are big believers in the idea that we choose our lives each time - choose our parents and our life situations - to help us work out whatever lessons we need to this time around. sure, why not? but WOW, he chose a tough incarnation this time around. WHOA.

* i don't know who half of these people are, but the ones i do know are funny enough to make it worthwhile. (don't bother if you're not a music snob. it's a waste of time.)

* this is a joke site that is sure to offend all my fundamentalist christian readers. (i have no fundamentalist christian readers that i am aware of.) for everyone else, it's literally hours of hilarity making fun of fundamentalist christians.

* this article about a new slow food movement in new york made me want to move to brooklyn and get all foodie. don't tell shannon, but i think i am in love with one of the chocolate-making brothers. (the one who looks like shannon.)

* i know it's linguistic elitism to decry the devolution of my version of the english language, and to feel like it's all falling apart because of lazy grunters and endless IMing, but it makes me glad to know that someone, somewhere, finds this stuff worth noting. (though they're in the UK, which is a completely different language, but still....)

* you guys, poor bernard madoff has been under house arrest in his manhattan penthouse for WEEKS. hasn't the poor man suffered enough?! answer: not even close. i love the last part, where he says he should get to keep his penthouse and $60 mill in assets because they're in his wife's name. aside from publicly spanking him on his testicles 50 billion times, i can't think of a non-death penalty punishment strict enough for him.

* this month is the 150th birthday of dr. seuss himself, theodore geisel, so here are some seuss-related tid-bits
.

* i am literally sending healing vibes to coolio and his family right now. one might say they're in my prayers.

* i hesitate to even link to this sketch because some of you are going to think it's really disgusting and some are going to thinks it's really dumb. but somewhere, someone might see this and think it's really, really funny, too. i am warning you, though, guys (uncle keith), you're not going to think this is funny. it's partly about a guy who has sex with his cat. so, warning.

* i don't even watch tv and i have never seen this particular infomercial, but i laughed out loud anyway.



* dear justin timberlake, i love you. (via lisanti quarterly, which is awesome.)



* good luck not spending at least a few moments of your life jamming out with this. (via max silvestr, via a zillion other people.)

kids on drugs.

i can't get enough of this video.
seriously, i've watched it over and over and i am still not tired of it.



if i had ever done illicit drugs of any kind, which i certainly haven't because they are illegal, i imagine one might experience something like this while under the influence.

definitely one of my favorite things this week.

p.s. compassionate fascism believes in legalized drugs because the war on drugs is a dumb joke and stigmatizing something doesn't make it go away so let's just find a way to support people who are having trouble with it so they're safe.

p.p.s. for some reason i have never googled the phrase 'compassionate fascism.' i guess i just assumed that since i came up with it myself, somehow no one would ever have come up with it before me. not sure why i would have thought that, but i was shocked to see how many hits there are for it.
you guys, it's already a thing!
there is a band on myspace with that name!
(another post referred to 'enlightened imperialism' which is also a catchy name.)
but stil...
should i come up with a new name for my political system?
i don't want there to be confusion between MY version and someone else's version...
what do you think?